So Close!

For my entire professional career, I have excelled at every job I was given. I climbed the ladder at 21 to be the youngest academy director of a national child care chain. I excelled in what started to be an administrative assistant roll, to the Human Resource and Operations manager position. I went from simply coordinating interview loops to events and recognition for a company of 1000 spread over 4 states. I am very good at any job.

Now…I am also quite a handful from an employer standpoint. One could say that it takes juuuuuuuust the right company, manager and salary for it to be a benefit to both sides. But it is possible I assure you.

I have been warned that I am too far in the weeds….I need to get above the tree line to see the whole picture. WHY? Things are fucked down here! We need to quit looking at the sunsets and get to work!

Twice I was described as 95% amazing and 5% terrible or 95% outstanding customer service and 5% not so much.

And there is always the precious saying “you attract more bees with honey than you do a bat.” Well listen here. I have been dripping honey all over these deadbeats all day….it is time for a bat! Get out of my way!

I think for sure it is you not me. I am cutting costs, improving service, increasing energy/team spirit and holding people accountable. As for leadership? They are always in a “meeting” or an offsite circle jerk.

95% is an A, and being that never saw one of these on a report card in my life….I’m going to consider it a win.

If you could be fluent in a language, what would it be?

When my husband and I were first dating, he told me that it would be extremely beneficial for me to learn Spanish. OMG! Did no one speak English in TX? That wasn’t it at all he said. Then he explained, what we already knew; his mother didn’t like. Never mind that she had never met me…no one was good enough for her son! She was either going to talk shit in front of me in English or Spanish…..and it would be helpful to know both in case I needed to defend myself. JESUS! Am I dating a member of the mob? Nice mom dude :/

My future mother in law loved me immediately. We hit it off and there wasn’t a shitty comment made. In fact, she told me ALL about her nasty divorce 25 years ago; and hubz said that is a sign of trust. Like when a cat exposes their belly.

Fast forward to Christmas 2012. Hubz and I went to TX for the holidays and family was in and out visiting all day. It was great to meet so many members of my new extended family. As we sat around the kitchen island, it was mostly a Spanish conversation. Being I took 4 months of it in my Freshman year, I thought I was keeping up pretty good. I caught trabaja and manana….so someone had to work tomorrow. I caught the names of who they were talking about….wished I could have understood the gossip. Then I caught blanco. OH HELL NO! That bitch just called me WHITE. Why is that an issue? Why would someone say that? Why would they say that right in front of me?

I excused myself and made a beeline for our room. I needed Google Translate for a witty comeback. Hubz came in and wondered why I was so upset. I told him about my hurt feelings and she started to laugh. Turns out, his great aunt was telling him that he looked a lot lighter than the last time he saw him.
Dear Santa,
I need Rosetta Stone

My Girl Wants to Party all the Time

As an event planner, I am always looking for a new fun place for a team or the company to hang out. We are a young company so it must be geeky, super fun and involving alcohol. I also try not repeat…which makes for the catering portion of any event the toughest.

The winner of our team building event chose to go to the local game store for lunch as their prize. I wasn’t on the winning team, but I do have the company card; so of course, I get to go to all the events. The arrangements were made, excitement built and now all we had to do is wait for Thursday to come.

It just so happens that our friends were hosting their birthday party at the same place. This was going to be the perfect chance for me to check out the space and service. YIKES! No Bueno.

The server introduced himself as our “dedicated” staff member and took the first round drink order. He came back a short time later with the drinks and then POOF disappeared. I can only imagine what kind of board game emergency needed his attention. Checker game massacre?. Whatever the case, he wasn’t seen again for a while. As more guests arrived the common question was “how do we order?” “how does this work?” and even a “can we drink in here?” If this were my event, I would have grabbed the manager faster than a shot of Fireball.

I finally tracked him down, begged for water and let him know more guests had arrived.

When the host saw Houdini re-appear, he ordered garlic fries as well as chips and dips for the guests. He got the fries a short time later; but it took 30 minutes to track down the chips and dip. There were many staff members in and out with food and beverage delivery; but they weren’t able to help in any way; you had to do it with Houdini. Regardless of his last known location.

We had to track him down for more water.

We had to bus our own tables as the dishes were emptied.

We had to track him down for more utensils.

Then we held him hostage until he produced our check so we could GTF outta there!

I have had worse service….but NOT when I am paying $250 for the privilege to be in this room. Dedicated my ass! Thankfully he is not dedicating his life to service…. cause we would still be waiting.

Yep……I called. I spoke to the manager and shared with her my concerns that I had made a mistake by reserving a room for my team. I shared a bit more of what had happened and wondered what my chances were for having a better experience. To the server’s defense I described it as ‘he was not given the opportunity to dedicate himself to our room, because management also made him responsible for other sections.’ I wasn’t jumping through the phone or anything. (I know…shocking)

I assured her that I have loved every staff member I have met there, I love their level of service and selection; as well as the reasonable price for private space. I was NOT calling on behalf of the hosts from yesterday’s party. I was only voicing concern for my team and was just hoping to get some eyes to look ahead to Thursday.

She will personally handle my event and I hope my friends don’t mind if they get some of their event comped. 😊 That is what I call outstanding customer service. I never ask for perfection, I just expect what I pay for. And if that is not possible, handle it just like that. Well done!


Hubs and I had the funniest and feistiest exchanges we have had in a while, on our way to a friend’s party. It is important for you to imagine us on a sunny day, in a great mood and laughing during the entire conversation….cause that is exactly how this went down.

He let me know that he saw that I spent $11 on iTunes; and wondered if it was for the same game I have been playing a lot lately. WTF does it matter? He had asked me this once before, when he saw the charge. I explained it then…..nothing has changed….so why the third degree? (do you like how one question becomes an interrogation in my mind?) I wanted him to be very specific as to why he needs me to explain this all over again. How did I not answer his questions the first time? And most importantly, what is the true root of his concern? (Not that it mattered; psych is not included in his Obama Welfare) It was like he was trying to determine the education factor in the game to warrant this budget item.

FINE! I get 5 lives every now and again and I use them to pass the levels. If I get stuck, and remain that way for 6 days, then I will buy a few tools to make it through to the next. And for no additional charge, I am rewarded with 2 hours of unlimited lives to help me get through the tougher levels ahead. All seems worth it to me. Unless, of course you are my husband. In that case, I guess you have to get approval to make in-ap purchases.

I further defended my addiction by letting him know that SOMETIMES I get bonuses and get hours of play for FREE! Most likely that is because they are smarter than me and make me feel successful to encourage more charges…..but still
He thought this was HYSTERICAL. Were they getting harder? Is that why I needed help? YES THEY ARE GETTING HARDER!! For example, the current level only gives me 40 moves to collect 40 yellow squares, 40 green squares and make the little toasters pop 40 slices of toast. Okay….it sounds stupid trying to explain it; and currently, I have been stuck here for 3 days.

I wondered what the difference was between him pledging money to some starving artists and me buying a drill, train and vacuum. He explained that there was no difference….however…he does sell stuff on ebay for that money.

Oh yeah? Well I make more than you do!
Yep! I went there. Didn’t want to but I felt that I was being forced to defend my game.

To which he replied. True…..but it took you 9 years.

Asshole!HAHAHAHA kidding….I love him.

Incomplete Coverage

As many of you know, we experienced a complete solar eclipse for the first time in like 100 years. MILLIONS of people converged on a tiny town in Oregon to experience the once in a lifetime moment; while all the smart people, stayed put and caught a multitude of different views from their driveways.

The wizards that make Donut Monday happen, gave me a pair of glasses so I was all set when I arrived at work. It was cool…but I was over it quickly and hoped everyone got back to work soon and stop talking about it.

Turns out AMA was bit by the eclipse bug…I had no idea. For her birthaversary, Papa made a bunch of brownie points for buying her an onyx and diamond pendant of the eclipse. It was even engraved with the date and location on the back. She was thrilled!

When I delivered flowers, Ama was showing off her new bling. This sparked a bit of conversation about the event, who saw what, where and were we impressed or not. Dad shared that he stood at the end of the drive way and watched it happen through a welding mask.

To which I replied….”Ya I know. I saw it on Facebook…with your fly open.”

The post has since been reviewed and taken down.

FOX news missed out

When I was a freshman, I was diagnosed with Mono and spent a month in bed. Unfortunately, it was first mis-diagnosed as tonsillitis; so, by the time the correct diagnosis came my tonsils had swollen to the size golf balls. I was in an unbelievable amount of discomfort especially when I tried to swallow… DUH!

I would try to drop Jello, ice cream and yogurt from the highest point my arm would reach; in the hopes of creating maximum momentum to slide down my throat. Kinda like tossing popcorn in the air and catching it….only rather than just it just bouncing off your nose and cheek when you missed, it spattered on your forehead, your pillow or anything else in the way of gravity.

One night I was getting ice cubes for my water when something huge rolled out of the freezer. I caught it before it hit my face or the floor. A voice from the dinner table said “starving mono patient tries to eat frozen chicken.” It was perfectly timed, from a future comedy star and so damn funny; making it a long time family joke.

Fast forward to this summer, when the PNW experienced heat conditions similar to the atmosphere of the sun. It was no joke. Us natives were D-Y-I-N-G! And fatties had it the worst.

With the promise of AC, I reluctantly left my fan filled apartment and made my way to Sunday dinner. It was too hot for jewelry so I wore a single item of clothing. Unfortunately, even that was too much. I found myself making trips to the basement to find some cooler air. No such luck.

I stepped tried the garage because it was under ground level, concrete floor and nothing but shade. No such luck.

I made my way to Ama’s storage freezer and tried to stick my head down as far as I could. SO CLOSE! Relief was just a few inches away. I moved some large items out of the way, lifted my boobs over the freezer wall and almost hung upside down. It felt so good…unfortunately vast amounts of blood was rushing to my head. I climbed back out and decided it was time to head upstairs. Putting the larger items back where they were (so the lid would shut), I noticed one of them was a bag of large chicken breast. Hmmmmm

I leaned my head to the left and placed the cold back of heaven on my shoulder. OMG!

I leaned my head to the right and placed the cold bag of heaven on my other shoulder. AMAZING!

I leaned my head forward and placed the cold bag of heaven on my neck. BEST EVER!

Finally, I just placed the entire kit and caboodle on my head. Stood there enjoying the relief.

And thought to myself…Heather Loomis would LOVE this. Headline reads ….. angry menopausal woman breaks chicken defrosting record.

You’re outta here….and You’re outta here….

While at Sunday dinner there was talk of spending turkey day, somewhere other than Casa Rents. I shared a great time we had on Anderson Island, and headed to moms desk top, for some examples to send to the committee.

I logged mom out of Facebook so I could send the link to both her and the other decision maker from mine. After sending the link, I scrolled through the lies on my news feed, I went back upstairs to my glass of wine.

This morning I got a text from mom asking me to give her a call. A) it was just after 8 am …and she is NEVER up this early. B) an 8 am request for a call home instantly becomes an emergency.

Turns out a very sleepy AMA was confused when she was looking at “her” timeline. She didn’t know these people. So, since it is ‘like mother like daughter’, she went right to work blocking all the strangers. Before she noticed that the profile picture was NOT of her…I may have lost some friends.

So if anyone has noticed that I am not commenting on your shit….let me know so I can put you back on my page.