Defensive Driving 101

There is one angry driver that lives in our apartment complex. The scary part is, most of our issues have been when he is leaving to take his kids to school. (or synagogue or morning swim lessons….I have no idea where he is going; I just know he drives like a dick to get there.)

The speed limit in our complex is 5MPH. In order to do 5MPH , an automatic car driver will have to ride their breaks, as the auto pilot is closer to 10MPH. On more than one occasion, this ass hole has zoomed around the corner and almost hit me when I back out. I have to go the direction where he comes from, when he slams on his brakes and I barely have room to get to that side of the driveway.
I have even seen him driving around town on my way home. He is constantly switching lanes to get ahead and taking side streets to avoid lights. (it was super fun when I waved at him as I pass him on one of his “Short Cuts” #instigator)

Recently I brought this up to the management once, but they didn’t even reply to the email containing car description, space and license plate numbers. SO, of course I had to go down to the office in person. I nicely explained to them that I have documented informing them of the issue; and I was letting them know in person, in case there was an incident. You know… a little thing called negligence 😊

One morning last week, I caught the perp leaving his house and getting into his car. Knowing which unit he lives in is key to my revenge. He must have raced to and in his car because he was on my ass before I left the property. He tailgated me to the next light and turned with me.

I sped up the hill at 60 MPH just to put some distance between us. He is a fucking whack job and my deductible is too high to risk an accident. I caught the next light and sped up approaching my office. Right by the turn to my office , two lanes merge to one. Since I caught the light, I was able to speed past those who had previously been sitting at the light. Dude changes lanes to get behind me again…. probably assuming I was going to jet up and merge in the front. Apparently, it was important to drive as close to my car as possible. That is when I slammed on my brakes and turned into the office.

I have no idea how he missed my bumper or swerve and hit anyone trying to merge. IT WAS CLOSE. This guy is crazy! Even more than my Aunt Mary.

This weekend I noticed that they leave their rear wing window open in the back. Just about an inch…. enough to vent. So I put a bit of tuna fish in a baggie and left it on my deck to cook in the sun while we were out and about over the weekend. And this morning I dropped the contents in the car.
It won’t make him drive better….but I feel pretty good 😊

We’re getting a divorce

It is never fun. Whether you are leaving a spouse or a friend, cutting toxic people out of your life is necessary; NOT EASY.

I have had to close the door on a relationship or five. The reasons ranged from a big mouth to slipping and falling into random pussy. (We are not talking about a little grabbing from The Orange Lord…these men actually fell down and landed up in the pussy.) Important to point out…it was NEVER their fault.

I have had to end friends because they have forgotten about me. We were all standing there,then a man bought them a drink and POOF: They were making a beeline for the bedroom.

Most recently, I had to cut ties with a girlfriend, because she was having a hard time determining which information she could share and which she couldn’t.
Time is something I will never get back so I friend hard. I have no room in my life for people who I can’t trust. It is hard enough for me to keep the secrets I have already, I don’t have time to micro manage that you will keep em safe as well.

Unless of course this is all one big joke on me? Could be. Maybe I am making a mistake by cutting these people out, because it was ME who was doing it wrong this whole time.

I should have shared who thinks who is a terrible parent.
I should have shared who believes who got just what they deserved.
I should have shared who is laughing at who for your stupid mistakes.
I should have shared the names of who people have called untrustworthy, big mouths and liars.
I should have corrected people on the spot…. whether it was my place to or not.
I should have updated the spouses of the shenanigans behind the scenes.

Cause that is what I am learning Friendship 2017 is all about.

Well shit! I am not sure I can stay quiet for an hour and a half…. anyone have the name of a good hairstylist?

Lot no. 3…strike! you are OUT!

I was asked to make dinner reservations for a party of 15 next week. The manager didn’t mind if it was a private room, just enough space for a large party. I immediately got to work calling my trusty standbys; and soon realized the Queen must be in town….cause everything was booked. YIKES! I am going to have to get creative.

Just when all hope was about lost, I got a call from Lot no. 3. The GM said the party cancelled and the loft was available. YA! That was exactly the space we wanted. I filled out the reservation form, provided the cc number for the final bill and preassigned a gratuity to the server. Just before I left for the weekend I scanned it, sent it back and sent it back and received a confirmation that all was set. Always good to end the week on a success…. ESPECIALLY for the VP’s team. I shot him a quick chat that we were a go.

It didn’t last long. Late Sunday evening I got an email update from the restaurant that our party was most likely going to be moved to the main dining room. WHAT? My reply wondered how I could have possibly lost a reservation that was confirmed two days ago. Lauren tried her best to sound as professional as an 18 year old hostess could, and ran me through their process. Somewhere in the fine print of the agreement that I signed, it says that if the space we desired is not available, they would move us to another space. Okay I get it…….cancel it. And shot the VP a text letting him know; and once again began calling around.

Monday morning, I arrived to an email from Lauren, The GM moved the larger party to another space and we, once again had the loft. He was even going to throw in some complimentary hors d’oeuvres for the confusion. I thanked her for all the effort and let her know that we were looking forward to seeing them on Thursday. I shot the VP and email to let him know that we had saved the Lot no.3 reservation; and even got some free app’s out of the deal.

At 3:00 pm Lindsey, some manager of something, called to break the news that we had lost the loft reservation; and this time it was for good. She gave me a bunch of reasons, and few of them made any sense. I admit, I was extremely argumentative and began grilling her as to all the conflicts in her excuses and how shocked I am that they are moving forward with shafting my team. I stopped listening to her begging and simply replied to every statement, to cancel the reservation. When I broke the news to my VP, it required a phone call because he was just as fucking confused as I was about what happened.

Not willing to just roll over and let this happen, I began looking for any member of senior management to get a hold of. The PR dude was in Croatia for the next two weeks, but offered the GM’s information in his absence. I explained that the GM has lost control of his restaurant, the catering team didn’t know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground and I wanted to speak to someone NOT at the restaurant. I got a hold of the Director of Restaurant Operations.

He had already heard about the situation and there was a conversation with the team, before we had a chance to connect. There wasn’t anything he could do; he knew that. I was furious, distrusting and horrified to have been disregarded so nonchalantly. He offered to call around and find a replacement space for me. Fiercely independent, I told him to go fuck himself I would find one on my own. (not in those words of course). I moved the team to a great location down the street.

Later in the day he did call back and gave me some options around town, and let me know he was going to put something in the mail to help make up for making me look so foolish to the VP. It better be 3 digits or more.

Bottom line….Lot no. 3 cannot handle large parties and I am going to drink a bunch of wine on them!

The Candy Man

This woman and her son tried to open our locked side door. It happens every once in a while, so it was no bother to anyone. Then she walked around the building (passing two other business entrances) and into our front office. Her son needed to use the restroom and she wondered if there was one around. Sure! and pointed her in the direction of the common area facilities. Why is this child not in school?

OBVIOUSLY, this was not a true emergency because the little ass hole was more interested in the candy dish then the toilet. He gave one of those Cheshire cat smiles while moving his eyes from the pile of candy to his mother. What was she going to say?….It’s not her candy dish. I stared him down for a moment or two then smiled and said “go ahead.”

That bastard opened the most enormous hand I have ever seen on such a little person. I swear it had webbed fingers. He plunged it directly to the bottom of the bowl and tried to grab everything on his way up.

That’s when I spoke up. “I am sure your mother taught you not to be greedy. Let’s stick to one piece” And yes….I was smiling.

Hope he wets his pants.

Mad Cow

Excited to have a cookie for desert, Charlie and I skipped over to Cow Chip Cookies. We bounced up to the window and greeted the evening shift. I swear he grunted. I frowned and asked if he was having a bad day. He replied “I don’t know. Am I?” WTF!?!

I asked for a double chocolate cookie

“we don’t have any of those.”

I asked for an M&M

“we don’t have any of those.”

I asked for a couple of mini chocolate chips.

“we don’t have any of those.”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I asked for a list of all the ones that WERE available. He rattled them off so quickly I ordered the last one he said. I didn’t dare ask for a repeat.

Charlie wasn’t paying attention to the list of outages….so he proceeded to treat her the same way.

I should have left. I should have walked away right when he bagged the cookies, but before paying. CLEARLY this we the owner’s son and he was pissed his mommy was making him work for beer money. Pinkabella cupcakes just a few doors down would have been a better choice.

Effort would be nice.

We have all fell victim to the minimal efforts of our partners. I am pretty sure it happens in every household…just no one talks about it. Lord knows I will….

I have bought and worn sexy lingerie, lit candles, bought warming massage lotions and pretty much anything else to creative a vibe in the house. I got a paddle at one sexy party and accidentally bought a strap on at another. I am dead serious about the accidental purchase…and it just dawned on me that I never wrote about that one. I need to do that…

Anyway. I talk sexy at bars, list all the fun things that are going down in the red room tonight and once or twice left the establishment with my panties in my pocket.

I am doing everything within my power to keep the spice in our lives and maintain the level of sexiness that we had when we were dating.

Hubz has two moves.

One he will pull away from a long hug or kiss and nod his head back towards the bedroom. He might as well grunt and drag me back there. Fucking cave man! Like the thought of sex renders him mute.

The second move he has is, right after I announce I am going to hit the rain locker….he wonders if I would like him to make me more dirty before my shower. What the hell does that even mean? Is he going to become a monkey and start flinging his poop at me? Does he want to do it down by the dumpster? Am I only allowed to use the shower at a certain level of uncleanliness?

Just once I would like him to prance around the house in something skimpy. I know the rest of you don’t want to see this…but I do 😊 Light a candle, put on some music and turn off the tv. I getting pretty sick of the only effort being when he slides up next to me in bed….just before REM and whispers “hey….”

Get hey to suck your dick.

Tunnel Vision

A year ago we went to the a live taping of a popular radio talk show. It was a lot more fun than I thought; and ever since then I have brought up going again a handful of times. Hubz replies, leading me to believe that he was on it. Turns out it taped about 2 weeks ago. Ask him when the next magic card draft is or the date of the next superman movie release. He can tell you without even looking it up.

He remembered a party we were invited to back in August….it’s this weekend. 45 days and he knows the time, date, address and attendees, because he has spent that much time researching it. An in all that time on line….not once did he look at the calendar for my favorite venue.

He can tell you the dates of all the comic conventions, the year and model of vintage instruments and is able to recite all the safety features of a Subaru we will never own. But not even listening to the show reminds him it is something he needs to look into.

He can remember to bug me about joining a gym, go on for hours about a festival he would like to put on one day and encourages me to day dream about what our next vacation looks like….but he can’t take me the one show I have ever asked to go to?

Yes. It is just as much my fault. I could have looked it up myself to ensure I didn’t miss it, rather than blame him. Lesson learned. He will learn the same lesson when he asks for a BJ. “Let me look to see next time one is available, and get back to you.”