The Candy Man

This woman and her son tried to open our locked side door. It happens every once in a while, so it was no bother to anyone. Then she walked around the building (passing two other business entrances) and into our front office. Her son needed to use the restroom and she wondered if there was one around. Sure! and pointed her in the direction of the common area facilities. Why is this child not in school?

OBVIOUSLY, this was not a true emergency because the little ass hole was more interested in the candy dish then the toilet. He gave one of those Cheshire cat smiles while moving his eyes from the pile of candy to his mother. What was she going to say?….It’s not her candy dish. I stared him down for a moment or two then smiled and said “go ahead.”

That bastard opened the most enormous hand I have ever seen on such a little person. I swear it had webbed fingers. He plunged it directly to the bottom of the bowl and tried to grab everything on his way up.

That’s when I spoke up. “I am sure your mother taught you not to be greedy. Let’s stick to one piece” And yes….I was smiling.

Hope he wets his pants.

Mad Cow

Excited to have a cookie for desert, Charlie and I skipped over to Cow Chip Cookies. We bounced up to the window and greeted the evening shift. I swear he grunted. I frowned and asked if he was having a bad day. He replied “I don’t know. Am I?” WTF!?!

I asked for a double chocolate cookie

“we don’t have any of those.”

I asked for an M&M

“we don’t have any of those.”

I asked for a couple of mini chocolate chips.

“we don’t have any of those.”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I asked for a list of all the ones that WERE available. He rattled them off so quickly I ordered the last one he said. I didn’t dare ask for a repeat.

Charlie wasn’t paying attention to the list of outages….so he proceeded to treat her the same way.

I should have left. I should have walked away right when he bagged the cookies, but before paying. CLEARLY this we the owner’s son and he was pissed his mommy was making him work for beer money. Pinkabella cupcakes just a few doors down would have been a better choice.

Effort would be nice.

We have all fell victim to the minimal efforts of our partners. I am pretty sure it happens in every household…just no one talks about it. Lord knows I will….

I have bought and worn sexy lingerie, lit candles, bought warming massage lotions and pretty much anything else to creative a vibe in the house. I got a paddle at one sexy party and accidentally bought a strap on at another. I am dead serious about the accidental purchase…and it just dawned on me that I never wrote about that one. I need to do that…

Anyway. I talk sexy at bars, list all the fun things that are going down in the red room tonight and once or twice left the establishment with my panties in my pocket.

I am doing everything within my power to keep the spice in our lives and maintain the level of sexiness that we had when we were dating.

Hubz has two moves.

One he will pull away from a long hug or kiss and nod his head back towards the bedroom. He might as well grunt and drag me back there. Fucking cave man! Like the thought of sex renders him mute.

The second move he has is, right after I announce I am going to hit the rain locker….he wonders if I would like him to make me more dirty before my shower. What the hell does that even mean? Is he going to become a monkey and start flinging his poop at me? Does he want to do it down by the dumpster? Am I only allowed to use the shower at a certain level of uncleanliness?

Just once I would like him to prance around the house in something skimpy. I know the rest of you don’t want to see this…but I do 😊 Light a candle, put on some music and turn off the tv. I getting pretty sick of the only effort being when he slides up next to me in bed….just before REM and whispers “hey….”

Get hey to suck your dick.

Tunnel Vision

A year ago we went to the a live taping of a popular radio talk show. It was a lot more fun than I thought; and ever since then I have brought up going again a handful of times. Hubz replies, leading me to believe that he was on it. Turns out it taped about 2 weeks ago. Ask him when the next magic card draft is or the date of the next superman movie release. He can tell you without even looking it up.

He remembered a party we were invited to back in August….it’s this weekend. 45 days and he knows the time, date, address and attendees, because he has spent that much time researching it. An in all that time on line….not once did he look at the calendar for my favorite venue.

He can tell you the dates of all the comic conventions, the year and model of vintage instruments and is able to recite all the safety features of a Subaru we will never own. But not even listening to the show reminds him it is something he needs to look into.

He can remember to bug me about joining a gym, go on for hours about a festival he would like to put on one day and encourages me to day dream about what our next vacation looks like….but he can’t take me the one show I have ever asked to go to?

Yes. It is just as much my fault. I could have looked it up myself to ensure I didn’t miss it, rather than blame him. Lesson learned. He will learn the same lesson when he asks for a BJ. “Let me look to see next time one is available, and get back to you.”

So Close!

For my entire professional career, I have excelled at every job I was given. I climbed the ladder at 21 to be the youngest academy director of a national child care chain. I excelled in what started to be an administrative assistant roll, to the Human Resource and Operations manager position. I went from simply coordinating interview loops to events and recognition for a company of 1000 spread over 4 states. I am very good at any job.

Now…I am also quite a handful from an employer standpoint. One could say that it takes juuuuuuuust the right company, manager and salary for it to be a benefit to both sides. But it is possible I assure you.

I have been warned that I am too far in the weeds….I need to get above the tree line to see the whole picture. WHY? Things are fucked down here! We need to quit looking at the sunsets and get to work!

Twice I was described as 95% amazing and 5% terrible or 95% outstanding customer service and 5% not so much.

And there is always the precious saying “you attract more bees with honey than you do a bat.” Well listen here. I have been dripping honey all over these deadbeats all day….it is time for a bat! Get out of my way!

I think for sure it is you not me. I am cutting costs, improving service, increasing energy/team spirit and holding people accountable. As for leadership? They are always in a “meeting” or an offsite circle jerk.

95% is an A, and being that never saw one of these on a report card in my life….I’m going to consider it a win.

If you could be fluent in a language, what would it be?

When my husband and I were first dating, he told me that it would be extremely beneficial for me to learn Spanish. OMG! Did no one speak English in TX? That wasn’t it at all he said. Then he explained, what we already knew; his mother didn’t like. Never mind that she had never met me…no one was good enough for her son! She was either going to talk shit in front of me in English or Spanish…..and it would be helpful to know both in case I needed to defend myself. JESUS! Am I dating a member of the mob? Nice mom dude :/

My future mother in law loved me immediately. We hit it off and there wasn’t a shitty comment made. In fact, she told me ALL about her nasty divorce 25 years ago; and hubz said that is a sign of trust. Like when a cat exposes their belly.

Fast forward to Christmas 2012. Hubz and I went to TX for the holidays and family was in and out visiting all day. It was great to meet so many members of my new extended family. As we sat around the kitchen island, it was mostly a Spanish conversation. Being I took 4 months of it in my Freshman year, I thought I was keeping up pretty good. I caught trabaja and manana….so someone had to work tomorrow. I caught the names of who they were talking about….wished I could have understood the gossip. Then I caught blanco. OH HELL NO! That bitch just called me WHITE. Why is that an issue? Why would someone say that? Why would they say that right in front of me?

I excused myself and made a beeline for our room. I needed Google Translate for a witty comeback. Hubz came in and wondered why I was so upset. I told him about my hurt feelings and she started to laugh. Turns out, his great aunt was telling him that he looked a lot lighter than the last time he saw him.
Dear Santa,
I need Rosetta Stone

My Girl Wants to Party all the Time

As an event planner, I am always looking for a new fun place for a team or the company to hang out. We are a young company so it must be geeky, super fun and involving alcohol. I also try not repeat…which makes for the catering portion of any event the toughest.

The winner of our team building event chose to go to the local game store for lunch as their prize. I wasn’t on the winning team, but I do have the company card; so of course, I get to go to all the events. The arrangements were made, excitement built and now all we had to do is wait for Thursday to come.

It just so happens that our friends were hosting their birthday party at the same place. This was going to be the perfect chance for me to check out the space and service. YIKES! No Bueno.

The server introduced himself as our “dedicated” staff member and took the first round drink order. He came back a short time later with the drinks and then POOF disappeared. I can only imagine what kind of board game emergency needed his attention. Checker game massacre?. Whatever the case, he wasn’t seen again for a while. As more guests arrived the common question was “how do we order?” “how does this work?” and even a “can we drink in here?” If this were my event, I would have grabbed the manager faster than a shot of Fireball.

I finally tracked him down, begged for water and let him know more guests had arrived.

When the host saw Houdini re-appear, he ordered garlic fries as well as chips and dips for the guests. He got the fries a short time later; but it took 30 minutes to track down the chips and dip. There were many staff members in and out with food and beverage delivery; but they weren’t able to help in any way; you had to do it with Houdini. Regardless of his last known location.

We had to track him down for more water.

We had to bus our own tables as the dishes were emptied.

We had to track him down for more utensils.

Then we held him hostage until he produced our check so we could GTF outta there!

I have had worse service….but NOT when I am paying $250 for the privilege to be in this room. Dedicated my ass! Thankfully he is not dedicating his life to service…. cause we would still be waiting.

Yep……I called. I spoke to the manager and shared with her my concerns that I had made a mistake by reserving a room for my team. I shared a bit more of what had happened and wondered what my chances were for having a better experience. To the server’s defense I described it as ‘he was not given the opportunity to dedicate himself to our room, because management also made him responsible for other sections.’ I wasn’t jumping through the phone or anything. (I know…shocking)

I assured her that I have loved every staff member I have met there, I love their level of service and selection; as well as the reasonable price for private space. I was NOT calling on behalf of the hosts from yesterday’s party. I was only voicing concern for my team and was just hoping to get some eyes to look ahead to Thursday.

She will personally handle my event and I hope my friends don’t mind if they get some of their event comped. 😊 That is what I call outstanding customer service. I never ask for perfection, I just expect what I pay for. And if that is not possible, handle it just like that. Well done!