The Saturday of No Standing

MOMMY was about loose her mind and we needed a day at the naked lady spa STAT! Unfortunately, because God hates us, our first attempt was thwarted by Aunt Flow with the red hair. We drowned our sorrows in a plate of Hawaiian fried rice then made appointments further on in the month; and THAT day had arrived.

It was 9 am! The doors had just opened and we were checking in. It is called the naked lady spa for a reason…. clothing is not an option in the bath house. Everyone is issued a towel, robe and cloth hair bonnet, identical hospital attire. There are doors on the toilet stalls…..and that’s about it. You gotta be REAL comfortable with yourself if you want in on this action.

Outside of the bath house are meditation and relaxation areas. AKA nap rooms. They are all at different temperatures, textures and sleeping arrangements. They have LuvSac’s,sand pillows,foot rests,head rests, blankets and just about anything else you would imagine curling up on or with. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH mazing.

For my “Sparkle package” it was required that I soak for at least 30 minutes in the hot tubs prior to the first service. Who would ever object to an appointment that started off with a soak in a hot tub? MOMMY and I soaked until “Tami” came for me at 10am; and we made plans to meet up at noon for lunch. OH yeah…. there is a tea room and café on site. I mean once get naked…you don’t have to get dressed again until you are ready to leave.

My first service was a body scrub. This involves naked me, atop a naugahyde “bed” and Tami in lufa mitts. Oh yeah! Shits about to go down. Face up, down and a stint on each side…she was getting all the spots. There wasn’t a dead skin cell that stood a chance against her tiny frame, black two piece and those magical orange gloves. In between each scrubbing pass she scooped up hot water and threw it on me; like when they are trying to keep sea animals wet during transport. There are 12 other ladies of various body shapes and sizes having the exact same experience so you just go with it. After the scrub, I was washed off with the softest lather you have ever felt; applied with what had to be angel wings because it is so fucking soft. Followed by one more round of warm water dosing and I was done. Took a hot steam after than then a long shower with their dreamy bath products. I put back on my asylum-gear and made my way to the other areas.

Despite barely being able to hold myself upright, I managed to make it to the meditation room. It was 80 degrees, had a huge LuvSac in the middle of the floor and a smattering of other soft things to lay on. I flopped right on the sac and passed out. Not the same kind of passing out as 2:30 am after girl’s night; more like a deep rest where you can hear what is going on around you, but you cannot feel your body. I laid there thinking, that maybe noon was too early for lunch…and hour later I woke up ready to tear into a plate of Korean Street Tacos! I wiped the drool off the side of my face, adjusted my pink and white bonnet and left to meet up with MOMMY.

After lunch we decided to do a bit more soaking. MOMMY was going to take a hot shower while I checked out the dry sauna. My next appointment was a mani/pedi, so I needed to be in a drier state. I went back to the other areas and flopped on the chez part of the waiting couch for my next provider to call my name. I was fed tea and sea salted caramels while the toes were twinkled and phalanges buffed in true spa fashion. Then of course back to the nap room to ensure that they are good and dry before attempting to get dressed.

An hour later I rolled over, opened one eye and said to MOMMY… “It’s almost 4. We might want to consider heading home.

I made it home and straight to the couch, heated the other half of my fried rice up from breakfast and turned the TV to Law & Order – SVU. Then waited for Hubz to come home and take me to Baskin & Robbins. It was a ROUGH day…but I feel so soft! Thank Goodness tomorrow is Sunday and I can sleep in 😊

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