FOX news missed out

When I was a freshman, I was diagnosed with Mono and spent a month in bed. Unfortunately, it was first mis-diagnosed as tonsillitis; so, by the time the correct diagnosis came my tonsils had swollen to the size golf balls. I was in an unbelievable amount of discomfort especially when I tried to swallow… DUH!

I would try to drop Jello, ice cream and yogurt from the highest point my arm would reach; in the hopes of creating maximum momentum to slide down my throat. Kinda like tossing popcorn in the air and catching it….only rather than just it just bouncing off your nose and cheek when you missed, it spattered on your forehead, your pillow or anything else in the way of gravity.

One night I was getting ice cubes for my water when something huge rolled out of the freezer. I caught it before it hit my face or the floor. A voice from the dinner table said “starving mono patient tries to eat frozen chicken.” It was perfectly timed, from a future comedy star and so damn funny; making it a long time family joke.

Fast forward to this summer, when the PNW experienced heat conditions similar to the atmosphere of the sun. It was no joke. Us natives were D-Y-I-N-G! And fatties had it the worst.

With the promise of AC, I reluctantly left my fan filled apartment and made my way to Sunday dinner. It was too hot for jewelry so I wore a single item of clothing. Unfortunately, even that was too much. I found myself making trips to the basement to find some cooler air. No such luck.

I stepped tried the garage because it was under ground level, concrete floor and nothing but shade. No such luck.

I made my way to Ama’s storage freezer and tried to stick my head down as far as I could. SO CLOSE! Relief was just a few inches away. I moved some large items out of the way, lifted my boobs over the freezer wall and almost hung upside down. It felt so good…unfortunately vast amounts of blood was rushing to my head. I climbed back out and decided it was time to head upstairs. Putting the larger items back where they were (so the lid would shut), I noticed one of them was a bag of large chicken breast. Hmmmmm

I leaned my head to the left and placed the cold back of heaven on my shoulder. OMG!

I leaned my head to the right and placed the cold bag of heaven on my other shoulder. AMAZING!

I leaned my head forward and placed the cold bag of heaven on my neck. BEST EVER!

Finally, I just placed the entire kit and caboodle on my head. Stood there enjoying the relief.

And thought to myself…Heather Loomis would LOVE this. Headline reads ….. angry menopausal woman breaks chicken defrosting record.

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