ROAD TRIP!

This was my families preferred method of travel for summer vacations. Weekends, weeks, couple of weeks. Whatever vehicle dad rolled out, we loaded it and took off.

“Like a herd of turtle in a wind storm.” – Dad

My parents have continued to enjoy windshield time well into their retirement. Unfortunately, as we all know, aging isn’t a gentle process. There comes a point when you cannot hold out for an official rest stop. It used to be an option to just pull over and jump out. Then you find yourself wondering if wetting yourself would just be easier.

Ama learned about/ came across some pee pee bags somewhere along the way. If you find yourself on a stretch of highway with not a thing around, and it is too hot to leave the air-conditioned car; just whip one of these gems out and go. As soon as your liquid gold hits the bag, the shit turns to gel. You zip up your fly. You zip up the baggie. You zip back along your way. BRILLIANT!

One Sunday dinner she gave me these blue plastic things and told me that in case there was ever a bathroom emergency in the car, these would come in handy. Cool! I kept them in the car as a way to ward off the small bladder spirits. That seems to haunted me as of lately. Man! If I even allow the “I have to go potty” feeling wait even a nano second, it is an emergency situation. When I feel I gotta go…I Go!

So, when I was woken up from slumber, as I slept in my car parked in a field just a hair more organized than Woodstock, I knew I had to act quickly. The door was locked. I couldn’t find the fob to unlock to car. It was just right…..never mind! Plan B!! I took down the throw blanket “curtain” I hung over the seats to block out light from the windshield and reached for the driver’s door controls. DENIED! I wasn’t going to get out in time. Think man! THINK!!

GASP! THE BAGS!! They were right where I left them; in the netting on the back of the passenger’s seat. I didn’t give a shit if I was putting on a free show. A) It was either now or pee all over my bed/car/ride home. (and it was going to be 90 the next day) B) I had recently learned that it wouldn’t have shocked anyone to see it. This is Woodstock jr….shit like this happens all the time.

I assumed the squatting tiger pee pee dragon pose, did the best I could to cover all bases and hoped for the best.

Success! I sigh a bit of relief….then immediately realized that this was not one of ama’s handy dandy drip and zip numbers. Though my bottom teeth are no longer singing “Anchor’s Away”; I am now holding a blue bag of pee…with no current way to get out of the car.

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