A much needed laugh

I lost a friend to a drunk driver last week. He was my first boyfriend, took me to my first high-school dance and made for a great summer full of memories. For many reasons we broke up by the time my sophomore year started.

We dated for a little bit after I graduated. I still wasn’t 21 so we would go country line dancing, because it was 18+. I went camping with his family, became close to his sister and survived one hell of a roll over. I don’t remember why…but we stopped seeing each other. I can’t remember if something happened or it was a mutual thing or what. Either way….I have not seen from him since.

My sister lives in the same town as his family and reached out when she heard the news. I soon realized that no matter how long a go a person crossed your path….they did. They are forever part of your story. I spent the next day thinking of all the fun we had.

I reached out to his sister and spend day with her today. It was so good to spend time with someone who knew a part of my story that included him. My husband has been amazing. He knows that this is not a yearning for “what could have been” but rather grief for the loss of a friend.

Turns out it is a good God damn thing I went. When pressured to marry by the last two serious girlfriends, he told them that WE had gotten married but it had been annulled. Once was enough for him. WHAT !?!? That is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard. There have actually been conversations about his ex wife being his hang-up and I guess no one squashed it.

She says “if anyone asks….just go with it.” Here I thought having slept with his brother was going to make the funeral awkward.

Shit hits the fan…and knocks it over

I received a few reports of strange noises coming from the catch all office across from the kitchen. It sounded like a combination of a wash machine with an ubbalanced load and heli pad.

I sent an email into the service department. At this point, I am sure the representative on the receiving end of my email’s eyes got wide and screamed “This is not a drill. I repeat this is not a drill. The bitch in suite 100 is on the warpath again.”

My very favorite building engineer came to check things out and said it was most likely the HVAC system. He checked the roof and said he thought he knew what the issue was. It is a new system so he will call them and tell them to come out and take a look at it.

Dude shows up and I take him back to the launch pad and he heads back out to get his ladder. About 10 minutes pass and he swings by my desk and says it’s all fixed. I asked what it was.

Behind the wall of that room is our server room. There was a box fan on the floor banging against the wall. He moved it.

Property management 1 me 0

Enter…..the wenis

We were all sitting at our favorite watering hole, enjoying some cold beverages and talking out our future plans. Birthday celebrations, summer camping and what to order for dinner. We had been there long enough for 3 baskets of wings and several trips outside and to the restroom.

The evening is slowly winding down…or at least it was for this group of forty somethings (except for Charlie….bitch is still in her 30’s #jelly) so we ordered one last drink and request the bill. Out of no where, Charlie asks “did you know that this is called a wenis?” and she pulled on the saggy skin at the tip of her elbow.

The next 20 minutes must have been super annoying for the rest of the bar. We immediately started rubbing our wenis’s on each other. Calling out that we were putting our wenis’s in each others drink; even boasting about having two wenis’s for double the fun. There were accusations of being offended at someone showing the other their wenis. Threats about the harm a wenis could do if provoked and many many many requests to stop because it was damn near impossible to avoid ab cramps from laughing in a crowded booth.

At the end of the evening Hubz and I were joking about how hysterical it would be to let Mini in on the new term. I mean….Wikipedia says it is a think (though merely slang) so there shouldn’t be any fall out from her sharing it at school. But then again, I can’t even show a man in a banana hammock without being accused of spreading porn; Imagine the fall out if I were to share the wenis. We brainstormed how to get this information to her without it coming back to me. We could mail a postcard with just that word as the message, we could use the bat line to text it to her OR

We could just tell Papa! Done 😉

We also told Charlie that next time….she should lead with that fun fact next time.

Not reality TV

This is reality office. We just have the one star…his name is Mumbles. Mumbles likes to narrate his every fucking move. Like we can’t see he is putting a fork in the dishwasher…he has to tell us. As I unpacked the Wednesday bagels (YA! they can’t even wait till I am done) here is Mumbles opening scene.

Mumbles enters the kitchen. It is just him and I……..

Curtain

Oh. It’s bagel day. Let’s see what I am going to have today. Ooooo so many choices. Do I want multi grain ooooooooor YES! SALT! I love salt bagels. I never get in here before they are taken. Today must be my lucky day. Now, I am going to need a knife for the cream cheese. Hummm I think they are riiiiiight here…. Perfecto! Just gonna grab one. Ooops what is that little guy doing jumping out of the box. Puuuuuuut that one back. Just need one. WOW! look at the cream cheese choices. I am going to try toasting it today. They look so good toasted but I never do that. Hmmmmmmm the bagel isn’t cut all the way. Gonna need a big knife for this ha ha ha Is it in this drawer? no. Is it this drawer? Yes! gold! I should probably use a cutting board. Don’t want to mess up the counter with crumbs.

I couldn’t not get out of there fast enough. He’s married. OMG! Do you think he talks out EVERYTHING?

Say my name Say my name

“Hi [first_name],”

Believe it or not, this is the way a marketing emails starts out from Bite Squad. In this new campaign, they are attempting to re-connect with clients who haven’t ordered in a while; or in my case, someone who was so irritated after the first interaction…hasn’t been back.

It goes on to read:

“Did you know that you’re our favorite customer?! Okay, you’re *one of our favorite* customers. But it’s been a while; when can we hang out again?…”

How on earth can I be their favorite customer if they don’t even know my name? Back when I did marketing for my own business, I used names to connect with my clients. My have times changed. Now that customers are nameless….do we start kicking them when they make a purchase?

I do however have $10 off my next order, and $10 already in there for their shitty service. If anyone wants my log in lemme know.

Um….hello? anyone there?

for $350 a month there better be!

I received an email on the 16th of this month that was very confusing. It didn’t tell me if there was a problem nor what to do about it if there was. It further said that if I had any questions, to please reach out via email or phone. I called the number listed and let them know I had questions, that the notice was unclear and if there was a problem with our account, for them to please return my call.

The next day, after not receiving a phone call, I followed up with an email to the address provided. I let them know that I had left a message but not received the courtesy of a phone call in return so I was reaching out one last time, to ask that they call me if there was a problem with our account.

Last night…THE 25TH…I received an email in return stating that the email was an update to the policy and if I have had no changes to the billing method, I could ignore it. BUT if there is a change in the future, to please follow the procedure. Got it.

Today THE 26TH I received a phone call letting me know that they were returning my call. I said “WOW that was a while ago.” She went on to tell me about how backed up they are because of that email. NO SHIT! When you don’t make it clear whether there is an action item…you are going to cause a few phone calls SEATAC? DUH! Park a few cars do ya? I went on to explain that I had received a reply to my email last night so my questions have been answered. “you sent an email? Okay, I will reply to that for you.”

Not exactly the validation for demanding we raise minimum wage in this individual’s specific area, so that employees could earn a fare wage. It didn’t work….we are still getting what we pay for. Just costs more for the shitty service.

I re-stated that I already got the email. I didn’t have any further questions. And once again how shocked I was at the level of support for this program. Didn’t stick around for the rebuttal…. but did wish her a great weekend before I hung up.

Funny AF

“AF” has become a frequent expression used between Hubz and I. It is clean talk for “as fuck”.

Example:

Driver: “do you like the paint job?”
Passenger: “yeah man. It is cool AF!”

So now when I forget to use my filter and say the actual words, Hubz and replies with an “AF”; with a Fonzie flare. (hopefully you are all old enough to know who am taking about)

Last night, Hubz posed a RIDICULOUS question from the bathroom that caused such hysterics, it made it impossible to complete the task he had set out to do in there. He came to bed and announced “look! My stomach hurts; so I am going to need you to be cool. Just be cool okay?”
Me: “OH I am going to be cool. Cool AF!”
Which lead to such hysterics that he threw back the covers and left the room.

I love him so much!