Eavesdropping 101

I listened as the bride shared all her exciting honeymoon plans with a team sitting near me. She shared that they were going to be gone for two months, traveling to Greece, Africa and other foreign lands. Just about everything was in place so all that was left to do was get married. I envy this time in a young woman’s life… it is so exciting!!

Monday prior to the nuptials, a wedding party minion came and asked me if I knew where to get an event tent ASAP?!? Apparently, this was an outdoor wedding and the weather report wasn’t looking too good. OH NO! Being the resourceful recognition and event specialist I am, I had several options right away, ranging from free to trading a kidney. They chose Free…of course.
Free meant getting my dad involved.

I knew he had a tent…but he was wandering around the USA with mom and some Joeies so I had to piece together his remembering where he last saw it and a few more hints on where it could be. The top was in the “frog” the legs were in the basement rafters and the stakes may or may not be in the first floor of the garage. When I asked left or right side…he said both. GREAT!

The next morning, after dad had had a chance to think and draw it out…he gave me location and status of all items. I chose to make it sound as unappealing as possible, so I didn’t have to do any work. I mean I wasn’t even invited to this shin dig…I am not really interesting in breaking a sweat. I told her we had a top and legs. Not tie downs, no stakes and not weights. She still wanted it…of course ☹

It is now Thursday…wedding is T minus two days away. At 2:00 we (meaning two co-workers and I) were going to head to mom and dads and find this tent. The bride will stop by at 2:30 and put the treasure in her car then off to the event location. We arrived, found the tent, the connector and about a dozen or so straps. After two calls to dad and three trips around the entire estate, we found the legs…..all 10 feet of them. And NO!…They don’t collapse. SHIT! We had no more time to waste, so the decision was made that the bride would make follow-up arrangements for the legs at another time. We high-fived and headed out in various directions.

No word from the bride for the rest of the day

No word from the bride on Friday either.

No one called….no one texted…..and there were no courier pigeons on my deck the next morning. We headed out for our own outdoor event and prayed for no rain.
The first strum of the guitar and the flood gates opened. Thank God for a covered stadium.

Around 9 am Monday morning….in walks the bride. Wait! What?! I thought she was off to destinations around the world. She skipped over to her GBF on the sales team who greeted her with a big hug and a thousand questions about the affair.
OH! This wasn’t even the wedding. Turns out people who were not able to make to it Greece for the actual nuptials, threw a tantrum so this was just a last minute shindig to appease them. It was in their back yard. Someone brought some wine ,and by the time it started raining; they were drunk and didn’t care.

I should have done a better job of eavesdropping :/

Interviewing a bipolar candidate

I started working as an executive assistant to the top dog in a local office about 6 months ago. She is a busy lady of little words. She also travels 99% of the time, is rarely in the office and getting a response to an email has about a 50/50 average. Catching the door open during a freak office visit was even more rare; therefore requires serious stalking skills. Due to status as an international woman of mystery, it has taken this long to establish a job description for my role; as well as a way to get it done.

I have memorized her coffee order, travel preferences and membership credentials. I have put the fear of God in everyone who thought they could use her office, and leave so much as a dust particle out of place. I order all the lunches, send all the packages, file/send all the forms, gather all the details and anything else I am asked to do.

Someone else manages the presentations.
Someone else manages the headcounts and hiring plans
Someone else manages the international business and office management.
SOMETIMES, when I wait more than an hour to respond; someone else will take care of the coffee, lunch and travel.

Today, it they announced that we are moving forward to the second step in our on line HR transition….GOAL SETTING. Each team member is being asked to list SIX goals they want to accomplish during the upcoming fiscal year. The only thing I do on a daily basis is approve the various requests in a variety of programs.

My current plan is to take no action and see if I continue to fall between the cracks.

If called out, I will be ready to submit the following:
1) Learn to log in faster.
2) Source a jet pack or drone for coffee fetching.
3) Find a doctor willing to plant a tracking device in my bosses neck so I
know where she is at all times.
4) Research local continuing education programs for Mind reading and/or
crime scene cleaning up instruction.
5) Be in the audience of either Judge Judy or Maurie Povich
6) Find another job

BOO!

What is it about Halloween, that makes tech companies lose their shit? This is the third one to go all in on this childhood tradition. Daycares…I can see why this would be big for them. Schools, grocery stores and malls…where you see CHILDREN…are great places to invest in decorations and candies. An office with ZERO public traffic or children #WHY?

The only company festivities worth mentioning is Clearwire. An open office concept, on the floor of a warehouse; provided enough room for some of the grandest indoor displays I have ever seen. One was a Woodstock re-creation complete with a raised stage, fake brownies and grass for “trippin’ out”. So epic. Individual cubicles were decorated as well, and EVERYONE was in costume.

I had never seen anything like it.

The machine shop , assembly plant and temp agency put a candy bowl at the receptions desk. Nothing spectacular.

Napoleon’s company was the next to jump on the Boo Bus. I set up an activity course for the kids, decorated every corner of the office and handmade most of the treats myself. The next year we made slime, haunted house and drank “frozen brains” from the margarita machine. After days and days of preparation and pumpkin carving…. No one dressed up and by year number two, they didn’t bring their kids either. I personally think he made us celebrate, because his spawns were so awful no one wanted them around; and this was the only Halloween activity they were welcome at. #truth

Today I walked into the office to see it fully engulfed in the spooky spirit. It is like a spider had sex with a maple tree, in a dollar store and blew web, leaves and cheesy decorations all over the place. It is actually pretty cute 😊
But what is the obsession with Halloween?!?

Does your office, dorm, class or nudist colony celebrate anything special?

Sketch Dudes

I was perusing the cheese options of my local QFC, when I noticed a man that looked a bit out of place. I am not saying he did not belonged in QFC or that he could not afford good cheese….he was just a bit off. Dressed in a trench coat on an 80-degree day, talking to himself and wandering around the store without a basket or cart.

After I chose the perfect pairings, I headed for the crackers. That’s when I noticed home slice, closing the women’s bathroom door behind him. Hmmmm should I say something?

Why?
Was I sure this gothic figure was a man? Maybe this person identified as a woman. In that case, who am I to question what bathroom they were using? Was I worried about the how the bathroom will look or smell for the next user? Yes Was that going to be me? NOPE!

Maybe I should just tell a store employee that there I am only bringing it up because he looked like a sketchy dude. Then I chuckled to myself…I definitely read too much Auburn Wa Police departments blotter.

If you never have…https://www.facebook.com/AuburnWAPolice YOU ARE WELCOME!!!
Just in case you are too lazy right now to go find the page to see what I am talking about….here’s one

**I simply copied and pasted. No corrections, no changes…as is. SO FUNNY! **
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In the words of former UFC commentator Mike Goldberg, “Here. We. Go!”
Yesterday started like any other day for the boys from traffic Officer Anderson and Officer Luce #TykesOnTrikes but that’s how all good stories start.
Around 8:30 am Officer Anderson stopped a car for speeding in the area of 8th Street NE and Harvey Road. As the car pulled over for the red and blues of the police motorcycle on Lea Hill Road, Officer Anderson realized he was dealing with one of them “Sketchy Dudes” #WhatInTheMethamphetamine #DontMakeEyeContact #LitteringAnd #SuperTroopers
After a short conversation with Officers Anderson and Luce the Sketchy Dude decided he had somewhere else he needed to be and took off#ItsOnLikeDonkeyKong #ThatEscalatedQuickly #AnchorMan The Tykes returned to their Trikes #QueTheChipsThemeMusic and took off after the Sketchy Dude. They lost sight of him as he turned the sharp corner onto 105th Place #WhereDidWhoGo #TopGun Fortunately for us a rattle can painted Ford Focus isn’t the fastest thing on the planet #SketchMobile#WhatWouldHenryFordThink and Sketchy Dude decided he could probably run faster than the car could drive #BetterLivingThroughModernChemistry#RuleNumberOneCardio #ZombieLand Alert citizens pointed out to Officer Anderson that the car had been dumped in the Amberview Apartments and Sketchy Dude beat feet out of the area #HereIgoAgainOnMyOwn#WhiteSnake As more officers arrived in the area residents of the apartment complex came forward to say that Sketchy Dude was running through the complex #NotInMyNeighborhoodSon #YaDoneMessedUpA-A-Ron #KeyAndPeele #JustKiddingHesNotAnAaron
A few minutes later another alert neighbor flagged down Officer McNabb to report that Sketchy Dude had just run through the area of SE 323rd Street and 105th Place. Officer McNabb, Officer Luce and Sgt. Adams quickly arrived in the area and started searching #AdultHideAndSeek
Officers began to search through the yard and around a parked RV and minivan looking for Sketchy Dude. As Officer Luce approached the minivan his spidey sense began to tingle #SpiderMan #MCU #OurOwnTomHollandLooking into the rear hatchback Officer Luce could see a figure curled up with part of the seat pulled over him #WellHowdyDo What seemed odd was that Sketchy Dude’s clothing suddenly matched the minivan’s blue carpet#UrbanCamouflage Sketchy Dude refused commands to show his hands and come out #IfIDontLookHeWontSeeMe Eventually Officer Luce had to enter the van to take Sketchy Dude into custody #SkoochOverBuddy
And here’s where our story REALLY gets fun! #AsteamingBowlOfForeshadowing #DeadPool2
Officer Luce noticed that Sketchy Dude had shed his red t-shirt for a very fashionable ladies bath robe. #WhiteAfterLaborDay #HesMoreOfAwinterColor After some further investigation it was learned that Sketchy Dude had stolen the home owners bathrobe as it hung near her hot tub #BoldStrategyCotton #DodgeBall There is only a certain type of man that can pull off making a woman’s bathrobe look good, Sketchy Dude was not one of them #FashionForward #ProjectRunWay #BringBackTimGunn We know this will shock you all but, in Sketchy Dude’s pocket officers found a jail bracelet with Sketchy Dude’s name and photograph on it #IFeelLikeYourNotEvenTrying
Sketch Dude was booked into the SCORE jail for Driving with a Suspended License 1st Degree, Reckless Driving, Obstructing a Law Enforcement Officer, Resisting Arrest, Vehicle Trespass and Theft #ThatsNotYourRobe
Another day, another story #ThisStuffWritesItself
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I REALLY want to meet whoever is writing this shit. They are my hero 😊

I like it :)

To my horror I woke up to a text message from the boss man, wanting me to find a venue for him. On a Saturday… in DECEMBER!!!
W
T
F
?!?
Are you kidding me? Who starts their searching now? It is O-C-T-O-B-E-R!!! I mean at this point you are fucked if you don’t have a costume OR a place for your holiday party.

I have planned some great family birthday parties, always have a large group for my birthday festivities and have worked as the event coordinator for some local companies. I love parties!!! Not only have I been doing it for a while, I have been doing it in this area. I know that you need to get it on the books by February…if you want something that has power, heat and parking.

To further limit the already limited number of options, he added the rest of his criteria’s:
The 14th
7-11pm
100-125 guests
Allows outside catering
Option for a DJ

Okay so NO Hotels, NO Restaurants or MOST funky venues on the eastside. I looked at our surrounding city but found the same limitations with size and date. UGH! Basically I am screwed :/ Watch this be a case of me eliminating venues based on what he asked me to find and he comes up with a place….on a different date….fully catered and every other exact opposite of his original request.

ANY HOO! I found a site and just had to rave about it being exactly what I would do…if I had a popular rental venue. It is a hip, open studio with an outdoor patio overlooking the skyline. In each of the drop downs it referenced the FAQ’s tab as the best place for information about the venue…and encourage you to check it out before you submitted your request.

True to their word, it answered all of my questions. The only thing that I was not able to find out was their availability. They happened to address this very subject as something you can only get by submitting the request form. So I did just that.

At the bottom of the form it asks for you to check a box to verify that you have in fact visited the FAQ’s page. Because…get this…..if it was already answered there…..they would not respond to your questions.

Hahahahah Someone is serious about their FAQ’s

How to make a repair appointment…NOT

I was asked to call the local Lexus dealer and reschedule an appointment for the boss man.

Looked up the phone number on line and dial the service department. Maria gave me the longest, breathiest, highest pitched greeting and asked where she could transfer my call. “I would like to speak to someone regarding an existing service appointment for today.” And off I was sent.

It rang a few hundred times, as I expected for a busy shop like this. It wasn’t shocking at all for the ringing to stop, hear music, pause and more ringing. Being a receptionist in my past life, this was the necessary game of parking calls. 😊 Shortly after the second round of ringing, I was told this call could be recorded and Colleen joined the call. I started by letting her know my name, who I was calling for and what I was looking to accomplish. It went something like this

“Hi Colleen. My name is Veronica. Bod Doberino has an appointment at 10:30 today for service that he has asked me to cancel and reschedule for Saturday. I was hoping to find out what his availability options were for Saturday.” Unfortunately, we had a slight connection issue and she didn’t quite get that. So I stepped away from my desk in order to raise my voice. “Oh That’s much better” Colleen Says…

Me: Great! Good Morning! *mutual professional giggles* My name is Veronica. Bod Doberino has an appointment at 10:30 today for service that he has asked me to cancel and reschedule for Saturday. Wondering if there are any openings?
Colleen: Okay. Let me check. Your first name?
Me: gave it to her
Colleen: Your last name?
Me: Gave it to her
Colleen: and the best number to call and confirm?
Me: I don’t need a confirmation. Bob has an appointment that he is no longer able to make so he asked me to cancel. He is available on Saturday so I wanted to know his options.
Colleen: Oh I am sorry. I didn’t understand that it was not an appointment for you. Okay…. What is his name?
Me: I gave it to her
Colleen: And would you like them to call you or Bob.
Me: No one needs a call back. I am calling on behalf of Bob. So essentially I am just a relay service, acting on his behalf….. Pretend I am Bob. I am not able to make my appointment. That appointment needs to be cancelled. I would like to bring my car in on Saturday, what are my options.
Colleen: Oh I am sorry. I didn’t understand that you are a relay service.
Me: I am not a service! I am human. I work for Bob…and bob asked me to call you. I dialed the number on the website for service and I honestly do not know what is happening. I just want to cancel the appointment Bob has today at 10:30 am. He is not coming. You will not see Bob today…. or the car. But Bob needs to come in on Saturday. He wanted me to call you , at this number and make an appointment for him for Saturday. Am I able to do that? With you Colleen…now? On the phone?
Colleen: Oh I am sorry. I am the concierge. I take the messages and pass it on to the service department. They will have to call you back.

My boss texted me asking if I took care of it. I replied… I honestly don’t know.

I am so over this…..

I reached out for help with an action item I had never processed before. Unfortunately, my counterpart wasn’t able to help me. Apparently this was a system, that you cannot even look at incorrectly; or you will take down the entire company. She struggles with it herself so, as the senior member of our team; she reached out to the help desk and asked them to set up a training. There were other newbies, so we would all benefit. This was on April 4th.

May 14th – when the work was piling up, our fearless leader reached out to the “trainers” again. She was much nicer to them than I would have been…but the training got set up for May 22nd at 7pm. At 7:18pm I ended the conference call, for which I was the only one on. I reached out to HR and let him know, and got a nasty gram bout not assuming, just because they weren’t’ on the call; that they aren’t working on the situation.

The “training” was rescheduled for May 28th at 8pm. I successfully logged into the conference call on-time but wasn’t able to hear anything. I logged into my email and saw there had been a flurry of emails just prior to the call, and a replacement link had been sent; for a different conference system. 10 minutes into a 30 minute “training” I could hear and see everything…. but I wasn’t able to log into the program we were working in. Five minutes later it was discovered that I didn’t have the necessary approvals, to access the program. UGH I hung around for the remaining 15 minutes of talking over each other and system errors but I wouldn’t call it training.

My HR contact and I stayed on the line and discussed what just happened. We agreed that we were not prepared for the call and boy, did we have some work to do. He was going to make some calls and let me know what the plan of attack was going to be in a few days. A week later I reached out for an update, to which I got the usual snotty message about having it all covered and if there is something I need to know they will share it.

So as you can imagine, I found it odd that on June 24th they were asking about my availability for another training attempt. I still don’t have the necessary credentials, someone has been taking care of it just fine for the last month and no one has updated me that there was a change in the plan. You guessed it… Like a damn child, I was simply told YOURE GOING!

Attempt #2 – We all provided our availability and the date was scheduled, but when the calendar invitation was sent; someone remembered their pending vacation.

Attempt #3 – We all provided our availability again, and the date was set. At 4:32 pm the DAY OF a 7pm training… the IT department rescheduled it. For whatever reason, they didn’t ask for availabilities and; and they chose a date when I wasn’t available. They asked if the day before would be better, I responded that no it would not; and they scheduled it any way. I reached out to the team and recapped our recent email exchanged, and asked them what the hell they were thinking. Apologies were exchanged and the meeting was rescheduled AGAIN.

Attempt #4 – The meeting invitation was SENT for Monday, July 29th at 7pm. The meeting invitation SAID “Tuesday, July 30th at 7pm”. When I saw the discrepancy, I reached out to the other team members on the invitation. Hmmmmmm not a single member of my team responded. Great team hu? I also reached out to the meeting owner and HR contact…..no response. Clearly I had no reason to stick around the office, so I declined the meeting invitation. Turns out no one showed up for the call…..NO SHIT! No one knew when it was!!!!!!
Attempt #5 – more apologies and a reschedule. This time it was for the morning. WOW! What a treat 😊

This morning I logged into the meeting, using a THIRD conference system and was greeted by the meeting organizer. I was also able to log into the system we were working in. Unfortunately, I could not see the screen of the presenter. I spoke up… but this bus was leaving with or without me.

For the next hour, I listed to “when you click here…” “when you see this…” “on the left side you will see….”

It is August 1st. Clearly it isn’t real pressing that I understand this system.