Last night was the company holiday party. I went all out and even wore actual NYLONS under my dress. My summer tan had officially faded and if I wanted to enjoy any of the outside activities…I was going to need all the protection from the cold I could get. My body style isn’t conducive to nylons; which is why I never wear the fuckers. My thighs rub together, creating so much friction that it causes third degree burns from the heat. I was going to chafe on my way out to the Uber.
Wait! This summer my new friend Jean told me about these chub rub guards. I slipped one up each leg and was given immediate relief. AMAZING. I put on my ruby red Wizard of Oz heals and dashed off to the event. I even wore coordinating necklace and earrings. I had been planning since February. I couldn’t wait to get there.
We chartered an Argosy ship to have dinner and ride along the Official Christmas Ship. It’s sort of a big deal in the PNW. This year, I hired a team to over see the catering and entertainment, so I could “attend”. Ya…tell the events and recognition person to sit back and watch. In no time, I was greeting guests and giving the quick layout of the boat as my team mates arrived.
There I was, standing next to the captain, greeting everyone and making my usual jokes and jabs. When out of no where….one of my thigh cozies falls down around my ankle. It was dainty and lacy so it could have easily been a thong…though to fit around me it would have to be six times the circumference. That was my only hope (cause no one seeing it wasn’t an option) please oh please oh please oh please….let these millennials know what a garter is.
With out skipping a beat, I dropped a Santa hat I was passing out on the dock, squatted to pick it up and shimmied it right back up under the dress….and continued on with my schpeel about where to get a drink. God could I have use one.
After that, the only hiccup was the caterer running out of protein, 22 minutes in to the chow line.
I did win an iPad Mini so it wasn’t all bad.