Your free trial has ended.

I have been struggling with the content for this blog for a while now. Concerned that it has reverted back to more negative ranting than comedic posts. At one point I was having to write the night before to keep up the pace…and it caused me to resent the blog.

Also, I have funny things that happen all the time, just not anything I can write about. I am either not ready to share the truth with the world or I am self-conscious about who will read it. Is there someone reading it that I work with? Are there friends still reading it after the divorce? And will any of those potential readers start any shit in my life. Who knows?

Basically I am running out of clean, non-offensive, shareable stories. I am either going to have to come out of the closet, admit I have a night job where very little clothing is required or take a chance that my negative (but truthful) descriptions of co-workers will get out and I will lose my job AGAIN; OR come up with a different type of posting.

Should I do an advice column? There are only 4-6 people who read this on any given day; so it would be effortless for me to sit back and wait for shit they need my opinion on.

Should I lock it down? People would have to request access. But again, there are only 4-6 of you so it might just be faster to send an email.

Should I just stop? I hate to be a quitter but I need to figure out another avenue in order to save the interest.

I am going to get to thinking now. If/When I come up with something I will be back.

Going out of Business sale!

I regret to inform you that Verizon wireless is not longer able to financially support itself. It Is just a matter of time before you will hear it on the news and scramble for a replacement service.

How do I know this? Because my $218 was the only way they were going to be able to keep the lights on. It was so fucking important that they get this $218 in order to make payroll. Like $218 was the payment necessary to file for chapter 11.

Yes, I missed my payment. I forgot to send my check in to arrive in time to make the 9/13/2017 due date. Shit happens, life gets in the way and OCCASSIONALLY everyone misses a payment. I just fucking forgot! Simple as that.

Unfortunately, due to the enormous financial troubles from this fortune 500 company, this skip was causing a life and death situation. They sent me 3 emails, 5 text messages and called multiple times in a row for several days. The call was a recording so I didn’t listen to it….until the 4th call when I held for financial services…and stepped outside; This might get heated.

I asked her to please take a look at my 20+ years of payment history. I asked her to look at the payment date and tell me what the fucking emergency was. 21 fucking days overdue and you are threatening to shut off my service if I didn’t have payment to you in 24 hours? Who do you think you are? The only option for cell service?

I told her I would send a check IMMEDIATELY. I asked her if they needed me to send it overnight so they can have their money ASAP. She told me regular mail was fine, and I told her to note the account that the check was coming. When she recapped the notes, verbally as she was putting them on my account …”will be mailing the $218….”

OH HELL NO! STOP RIGHT THERE! I am going to send in the total amount due. September and October. There was no way I was going to expose myself to this kind of harassment over 21 days! If Verizon wireless as a whole is not able to sustain a business model because of a missing $218 then I wanted to make sure to send them a little in advance!! I told her to please put the notes in all caps that help is on its way!

When I got back to my desk I had another email and text message, thanking me for my commitment to send the funds. I replied, “you are so fucking welcome”. This morning I got an email and a text message, reminding me that I had made a payment commitment and let them know if I will not be able to make good on it.

So I sat down and wrote the damn check. I took a page of the bill and wrote in a huge blue sharpie that 21 days did not warrant this kind of harassment. I taped the check to it and folded it up. Then I took the payment coupon thingy and wrote a message to the person who was going to open it that I hoped that their last paycheck didn’t bounce; and stapled it to the other note inside. On the outside of the envelope I wrote the announcement that VZW was closing and taped it shut; along with the address window….I taped that to the payment coupon too.

I will only be late again, if they are not able to figure out my payment puzzle.

Back in the Day

Fuck I am old!

One improvement the world has made in since the 90’s, is the ability to find and purchase music.

I found myself telling one of those “back in my day” stories to the bartender of our new favorite hangout. We are around the same age, so she appreciated the trip down memory lane.

While listening to some jams in the bar, I heard a song that blew me back to 1993. At Roomies apartment in Factoria, lights out, Christmas lights around the ceiling, Boys in the Hood on the TV, OE bottles everywhere, next to the boom box kissing the boy I had had an infatuation with for the past year. I remember DESPERATELY wanting to know what that song was. Obviously, I needed get this tape so I could listen to it over and over in my room until the it died. DUH!

Again it is 1993. There was no world wide web to search partial lyrics. No amazon, iTunes or streaming music of any kind. I had no idea who sang it or where to find it. We had Blockbuster music, Tower Record and silver platters; if I wanted to buy it new or used….but WHO.

Like a year later, I found out; but was not able to find the album anywhere.
Our love was surely going to die without this melody. Despite the fact that there was no us, he still didn’t know I wanted to marry him, hardly came to hang out and I didn’t have his pager number.

When I heard it last night, opened iTunes, slapped down my 99 cents and added it to the sexy time play list; Like a boss. Lover boy isn’t the only one who’s going to feel the heat of that song 😊

Dictionary –

OE – Old English 800 Malt Liquor. Mainly consumed 40 oz’s at a time

Boom Box – A large portable stereo, usually carried on the shoulder.

Pager – a small battery-operated communication beacon that clipped to your side belt. When people called your number they would be able to provide the number to call them back at.

Good Morning Sunshine!

For many years, I got up at 5:30 am and jumped in the shower. Then I would wake Hubz up with gentle kisses and a soft good morning. Then I was fired from that early morning hell hole and we switched roles. Now Hubz gets up before me, jumps in the shower then wakes me up around 6:30 am (depending on how many snoozes). He is not quite as soft and gentle.

He always says that I don’t hug him enough and he doesn’t understand what is so wrong about showering me with kisses and hugs every 15 minutes; daring me to complain to my friends “my husband loves me so much….poor me.” Hahahah

He loves the first of the morning version of me. He says that I am “not at full strength” so he can attack with all the kisses and hugs that he wants. He kisses my cheek then awkwardly tries to reach my mouth….leaving wet lip crease spit all over my face. He tries to be sexy and asks for a role in the hay before work. And then there are other things he tries….that we just don’t need to get into now.

So when I had the chance to wake HIM up last weekend, I gave him a taste of his own medicine. I hugged him so hard and jostled back and forth, proclaiming how happy I am that he wasn’t at full strength so I could shower him with love. I kissed him all over his face and even got a few of the lip crease kisses in.
I asked him for a little role in the hay and proceeded to lay on him with full weight. Then I ripped the sheets back and yelled “gimme those titties! Continuing to attack from the top.

He looked up and asked….”is that what it is like in the morning?..sorry”. Today I got to stay covered and enjoyed a few soft kisses.

Defensive Driving 101

There is one angry driver that lives in our apartment complex. The scary part is, most of our issues have been when he is leaving to take his kids to school. (or synagogue or morning swim lessons….I have no idea where he is going; I just know he drives like a dick to get there.)

The speed limit in our complex is 5MPH. In order to do 5MPH , an automatic car driver will have to ride their breaks, as the auto pilot is closer to 10MPH. On more than one occasion, this ass hole has zoomed around the corner and almost hit me when I back out. I have to go the direction where he comes from, when he slams on his brakes and I barely have room to get to that side of the driveway.
I have even seen him driving around town on my way home. He is constantly switching lanes to get ahead and taking side streets to avoid lights. (it was super fun when I waved at him as I pass him on one of his “Short Cuts” #instigator)

Recently I brought this up to the management once, but they didn’t even reply to the email containing car description, space and license plate numbers. SO, of course I had to go down to the office in person. I nicely explained to them that I have documented informing them of the issue; and I was letting them know in person, in case there was an incident. You know… a little thing called negligence 😊

One morning last week, I caught the perp leaving his house and getting into his car. Knowing which unit he lives in is key to my revenge. He must have raced to and in his car because he was on my ass before I left the property. He tailgated me to the next light and turned with me.

I sped up the hill at 60 MPH just to put some distance between us. He is a fucking whack job and my deductible is too high to risk an accident. I caught the next light and sped up approaching my office. Right by the turn to my office , two lanes merge to one. Since I caught the light, I was able to speed past those who had previously been sitting at the light. Dude changes lanes to get behind me again…. probably assuming I was going to jet up and merge in the front. Apparently, it was important to drive as close to my car as possible. That is when I slammed on my brakes and turned into the office.

I have no idea how he missed my bumper or swerve and hit anyone trying to merge. IT WAS CLOSE. This guy is crazy! Even more than my Aunt Mary.

This weekend I noticed that they leave their rear wing window open in the back. Just about an inch…. enough to vent. So I put a bit of tuna fish in a baggie and left it on my deck to cook in the sun while we were out and about over the weekend. And this morning I dropped the contents in the car.
It won’t make him drive better….but I feel pretty good 😊

We’re getting a divorce

It is never fun. Whether you are leaving a spouse or a friend, cutting toxic people out of your life is necessary; NOT EASY.

I have had to close the door on a relationship or five. The reasons ranged from a big mouth to slipping and falling into random pussy. (We are not talking about a little grabbing from The Orange Lord…these men actually fell down and landed up in the pussy.) Important to point out…it was NEVER their fault.

I have had to end friends because they have forgotten about me. We were all standing there,then a man bought them a drink and POOF: They were making a beeline for the bedroom.

Most recently, I had to cut ties with a girlfriend, because she was having a hard time determining which information she could share and which she couldn’t.
Time is something I will never get back so I friend hard. I have no room in my life for people who I can’t trust. It is hard enough for me to keep the secrets I have already, I don’t have time to micro manage that you will keep em safe as well.

Unless of course this is all one big joke on me? Could be. Maybe I am making a mistake by cutting these people out, because it was ME who was doing it wrong this whole time.

I should have shared who thinks who is a terrible parent.
I should have shared who believes who got just what they deserved.
I should have shared who is laughing at who for your stupid mistakes.
I should have shared the names of who people have called untrustworthy, big mouths and liars.
I should have corrected people on the spot…. whether it was my place to or not.
I should have updated the spouses of the shenanigans behind the scenes.

Cause that is what I am learning Friendship 2017 is all about.

Well shit! I am not sure I can stay quiet for an hour and a half…. anyone have the name of a good hairstylist?

Lot no. 3…strike! you are OUT!

I was asked to make dinner reservations for a party of 15 next week. The manager didn’t mind if it was a private room, just enough space for a large party. I immediately got to work calling my trusty standbys; and soon realized the Queen must be in town….cause everything was booked. YIKES! I am going to have to get creative.

Just when all hope was about lost, I got a call from Lot no. 3. The GM said the party cancelled and the loft was available. YA! That was exactly the space we wanted. I filled out the reservation form, provided the cc number for the final bill and preassigned a gratuity to the server. Just before I left for the weekend I scanned it, sent it back and sent it back and received a confirmation that all was set. Always good to end the week on a success…. ESPECIALLY for the VP’s team. I shot him a quick chat that we were a go.

It didn’t last long. Late Sunday evening I got an email update from the restaurant that our party was most likely going to be moved to the main dining room. WHAT? My reply wondered how I could have possibly lost a reservation that was confirmed two days ago. Lauren tried her best to sound as professional as an 18 year old hostess could, and ran me through their process. Somewhere in the fine print of the agreement that I signed, it says that if the space we desired is not available, they would move us to another space. Okay I get it…….cancel it. And shot the VP a text letting him know; and once again began calling around.

Monday morning, I arrived to an email from Lauren, The GM moved the larger party to another space and we, once again had the loft. He was even going to throw in some complimentary hors d’oeuvres for the confusion. I thanked her for all the effort and let her know that we were looking forward to seeing them on Thursday. I shot the VP and email to let him know that we had saved the Lot no.3 reservation; and even got some free app’s out of the deal.

At 3:00 pm Lindsey, some manager of something, called to break the news that we had lost the loft reservation; and this time it was for good. She gave me a bunch of reasons, and few of them made any sense. I admit, I was extremely argumentative and began grilling her as to all the conflicts in her excuses and how shocked I am that they are moving forward with shafting my team. I stopped listening to her begging and simply replied to every statement, to cancel the reservation. When I broke the news to my VP, it required a phone call because he was just as fucking confused as I was about what happened.

Not willing to just roll over and let this happen, I began looking for any member of senior management to get a hold of. The PR dude was in Croatia for the next two weeks, but offered the GM’s information in his absence. I explained that the GM has lost control of his restaurant, the catering team didn’t know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground and I wanted to speak to someone NOT at the restaurant. I got a hold of the Director of Restaurant Operations.

He had already heard about the situation and there was a conversation with the team, before we had a chance to connect. There wasn’t anything he could do; he knew that. I was furious, distrusting and horrified to have been disregarded so nonchalantly. He offered to call around and find a replacement space for me. Fiercely independent, I told him to go fuck himself I would find one on my own. (not in those words of course). I moved the team to a great location down the street.

Later in the day he did call back and gave me some options around town, and let me know he was going to put something in the mail to help make up for making me look so foolish to the VP. It better be 3 digits or more.

Bottom line….Lot no. 3 cannot handle large parties and I am going to drink a bunch of wine on them!